Tag Archives: Church

How to find a Husband (Part III)

So it has been almost a year since the post on “How to find a Husband” according to my aunt. I am doing a stock taking of events in my life in the last 11 months. It may please you (or displease my aunt) to note that; no I have not cut off my hair/locs, and no I have not suddenly changed my age from the actual to the mid-20s. I still exercise and I remain consistent with my views on politics and the world.

But you see, I am still not married, and her patience is running out. You would think that I am the one whose patience will be running out, but no, this is a case of “drinking panadol on top of somebody’s headache”. The psalms and things keep being thrown my way. I think my aunt knows that I do not say them (for the most part), and so she sends even more to make me feel guilty. Anyway, it’s been over a year, and I have now decided to take matters into my own hands. I reckon these steps will fetch me a nice Igbo man in no time.

Couple getting married. source:annechia.com
Couple getting married. source:annechia.com

1. Buy a 32″ human hair. I haven’t decided if it will be from Brazil or Peru. All I know is that I am buying it, and it is going on my head where it will sit tight and walk around with me in my search.

Human hair on the way. source:elitevirginhair.com
Human hair on the way. source:elitevirginhair.com

2. Buy some Dencia otherwise known distastefully as bleaching cream. I do not know why trouble makers insist on giving this thing a bad name. The Igbo brothers like yellow sisi, so I better get cracking. Plus the new colour will match my new hair.

3. Learn to smile and keep my head down, you can’t be engaging anyhow with your eyes and discourse. I have been trawling youtube looking for videos on “how to be coy”. Chi m, it is not that easy. But it seems to be working, or maybe those vloggers are just messing with me.

4. Find an Igbo church here, that should not be too difficult. I went to a church in East London and for a minute, I thought I was in Gbagada. When I find the Igbo church, I shall join the youth forum, ushers, video team, caretakers, welfare team, readers, choir, women/mothers group (yes people like that sort of thing, it draws sympathy that you have shown so much faith and vulnerability. In no time, the married women will begin to introduce you to all their husbands’ single friends. I must remember to call them all “Aunty”). This is a question spreading your bets as much as you can. This blog is as much for me as for you single out there searching for your Igbo prince charming o. Shine your eye.

Photo source: www.clipartof.com
Photo source: http://www.clipartof.com

5. Stop being a smart ass, even me I am tired sef. Henceforth when I meet those potentials, I shall be saying the following, with a coy smile and downcast eyes:

5a. “I only just recently arrived, my father paid my fees to do a master’s, so I just want to bend down and study o”. Yeah I reckon that line spoken in the softest of voices should work.

5b. “I don’t really believe in all this new talk, people have learnt bad things from the west. A man is still the head of the home, every woman should listen to her husband no matter what. He’s beating you, he’s cheating on you, something must have gone wrong in your attitude. Me, I believe if a man does something that you do not like, it is not your job to engage him or fight and nag, no matter what it is, you don’t talk back. Just go on your knees to God, then after that, cook him a hearty meal”

5c. “Ah ah, but my husband should know how much I earn. There’s nothing wrong with giving your man your ATM card or even pay cheques once you receive them. He’s the head”

6. On the first date, I shall invite him over and cook some jollof rice with spicy goat meat. I shall also make white soup with poundo and some chocolate brownies. Before he starts eating, I shall cover my hair and say the grace. The long version. Ok make it second date, I mustn’t appear too keen.

Poundo and Egusi. Source: www.ventures-africa.com
Poundo and Egusi. Source: http://www.ventures-africa.com

7. All my high heels are going on sale on ebay. You can’t be a 5ft 8inches woman and be wearing 6″heels. As one igbo brother told me at a party in January, “your height is intimidating”. He then proceeded to bolt, and came back only after he was slightly inebriated and made me sit down while he stood. Henceforth, only 3″ heels, thank you very much.

8. I must stop calling myself a woman. It sends the wrong message. “You don born”? I have been asked. So from now onwards, I am a girl. or maybe lady?

9. No more JD and coke, or wine at these Igbo things. Henceforth fanta and coke. Or five alive, if we can find any. I don’t drink alcohol. It’s even bitter anyway.

10. And I must not dance every time I hear music, just sends all the wrong signals.

11. Imagine the swishing of my south American hair, when I walk from one single and searching Igbo man to the next at the upcoming event, freshening drinks and smiling. Fetching chicken wings and dips. It’s all for the cause.

Spicy chicken wings for the men at parties. www.godfatherpizzawoodoven.co.uk
Spicy chicken wings for the men at parties. http://www.godfatherpizzawoodoven.co.uk

12. Who has an opinion about the upcoming elections? I don’t! I am just praying about it, I do not discuss politics. That one is for you men o. I am facing my work.

13. Ask for money for most things. Why should I pay for things myself? A man is in control when he pays and hears thank you. The youtube vlogs said men do not like independent women, so why should I be independent? No wonder my asoebi plans haven’t come to fruition.

These are all I have considered, and I shall take it from here. I am also open to advice, if you know of any quick fixes, please send them my way. I suppose in some ways my aunt was right, one has to be smart about these things and use local sense. You have to know and understand your audience, it doesn’t matter how, it’s the end that justifies the means. Enough said, I must get cracking. Au revoir

How To Find A Husband (Part II)

So I just got off the phone with one of my favourite aunts, the aunt from the first post on finding a husband.. When I saw her number flash across my screen, I was so happy. You see, I speak to a lot of people back home, but they are mostly people from my generation who use social media quite a lot.

“Aunty!!!” I screeched happily into the phone
“Nne kedu?” She responded.

Then she spoke very quickly, her words tumbling over one another in her rush to say her bit and get off the phone seeing as it was an international call and all.

“Are you keeping your eyes open? Nkiru’s mother told me that many Igbo men live there.” She said

I was a little disappointed because I had hoped to have a conversation with her and catch up on the gossip back home. When I did not respond, she continued. Here is a list of what keeping my eyes open means, in her own words;

Making the meat: My job at the forum
Making the meat: My job at the forum

1. Find out about the Igbo forum and join it, you will find all the Igbo men there.

2. Try to attend their ceremonies, and make sure you help out, people always need help with frying the chicken and even serving.

3. Put on nice wigs and cover those your dreadlocks. Do you not see how other girls have nice weave-on.

4. Ehen when you join those forums, don’t be going to sit with the men to discuss politics in Nigeria, face your work.

5. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find a suitor there, because those Igbo men are always coming home to marry good girls, show them that you are a good girl who has just arrived and is not yet corrupt by that place.

6. When anybody asks you, tell them your father sent you to do masters. That way they will not run away and think you will be stubborn.

7. Reduce your age by 4 years.

8. Everyday read Isaiah 62, the whole chapter, everyday. Go to only the churches that our people attend.

9. When you are going for those Igbo meetings, make sure you go alone, and befriend the married women, if they like you, they will introduce you to their husband’s single friends. You don’t have any business with the single ladies.

10. Don’t be doing too much sports, our men don’t like women with strong body o.

Making the salad: A "face your work" option
Making the salad: A “face your work” option

There you have it. I don’t think she wrote it down, but somehow she managed to get it all out quite clearly under 3 minutes. I think number 4 is my favourite! Face your work literally means face your work; keep frying those chickens and serving the men. I also like the “reduce your age” bit, and I wondered how someone could ask you to lie in one breathe and bug God in the next. I could have called her back but as I did not have any calling card, I thought I would blog about it. So people, do you think I should face my work and not discuss politics anymore? Feel free to add on to my aunt’s list. I am sure this is not the end of this post. I shall do an update once I speak to her again 🙂

Mea Culpa?

So Easter is in 3 days, this is the holy week and I have been feeling a certain “mea culpa” for missing most of Lent. I have been reflecting quite a bit about everything I believe in. You see, I was raised a catholic and I like being a catholic, I even cried when Pope John Paul II died (yes, he was a good man), expressed my respect for Benedict XVI when he resigned, and screamed at the top of my lungs when “Habemus Papam” was declared a few weeks ago after the conclave sat. Although there are some things I dare not express in the church. I believe that the use of condoms is absolutely essential (don’t get me started on the prevalence rates of HIV/AIDS and what it does to families and those poor children orphaned by AIDS). I also do not see how it is in my place to criticise people’s sexual choices.

Pope John Paul II  http://www.genopro.com
Pope John Paul II http://www.genopro.com
Back to my faith, the catholic way of worship is certainly different from the exuberance of the Pentecostal style, and it is also different from the new age form of worship. In the Catholic Church, the bible forms a tremendous foundation of who we are and our expression of faith. However, the sacraments of the church as well as the pope are very key. The Pope is key to the decisions made in the church; one remembers Vatican II, and the more recent changes to the liturgy of the mass to usher in 2012 by Benedict XVI. The church (and I use the term loosely to mean the followers of Christ) is changing to become relevant to the times we live in. There is a lot of dancing and singing in non-traditional churches, of preaching about prosperity and wealth creation. People especially young people find this relevant to their time. The new age forms are also popular and people use them in whole, or in parts; meditation, yoga, mantra chanting, varying from place to place. I think this form of worship will take over from the traditional forms and the fierce Pentecostal style, eventually. My journey though, has taken me to several different forms and places.

However, I like to think of myself as a catholic although many people may not regard me as a good one. I have missed mass quite a few times and I cannot remember the last time I went to confession! But in all this, I have held the Eucharist very special in my heart. My mother was visiting a couple of weekends ago, and she came with a boxful of catholic prayers for my sister and I; “How to find a life partner” (Ha!More on this next post), “How to avoid mortal sin”, “Prayer to the Saint of the Impossible”, and so many more. She made copies too, so that we each had a copy! “Everything Good Will Come” she kept telling us. I love my mum so much! That Sunday, I attended mass with her (no question of missing it while she was here). I dressed up with a slight irritation in my heart; I had a lot of work to finish off and wasn’t feeling like going because I went to bed late (we were up saying the Rosary with mum).

Surprisingly though, when I got to church, I felt a tremendous peace within my heart, the kind that makes you smile and keep still. I can tell you now that I do not know what it was, but it felt great and I will go back this week. The way I look at it is; as long as you are not causing harm to people, if it makes you happy and you believe, stick to whatever works for you.

Happy Easter to you.