Why Do Married Men Cheat On Their Wives (Part 2)

By now, you have probably heard about the media personality/vlogger Toke Makinwa’s breaking news. Her husband cheated on her with a woman who is now pregnant for him. Neither party has released a statement confirming or refuting the story. For the last two days, there has been twitter and instagram fuelled frenzy going on regarding the Toke and Maje marriage.

The couple dated for 12 years and have been married for just 1 year and a few months. Personally, I think this is sad and the couple should be left alone to deal with their problems, or lack of, because we all might just be speculating.

Toke and Maje. Source:www.360nobs.com
Toke and Maje. Source:www.360nobs.com

However, I believe that there is a reason why this is such big news here. Toke is an “it” girl who has truly worked very hard within the Nigerian media circuit. She hosts an early morning Radio show on Rhythm FM Lagos, and hosts a regular weekly vlog which discusses relationships primarily on youtube. Beyond that, she hosts events, and is now a brand; many commercial brands have signed her up as an Ambassador. She’s gorgeous, hard working, and quite fun to watch and listen to.

Toke is a brand and thus literally every event she attends, every endorsement, every media or tv appearance ends up on social media and on blogs. This is good for her business, because in such a short period of time, she has become a household name. This means she works hard, hopefully she smiles to the bank. But this visibility in a young woman who is neither an actress nor a singer, is one which Nigerians seem to love and hate all at once. You will see why.

Toke Makinwa
Toke Makinwa

So why has Maje cheated on her? There really is no known cause of infidelity in marriages, there is a long list of potential factors. Infidelity in relationships could be seen as high blood pressure in humans. Sometimes there are certain pre-dispositions, perhaps not exactly genetics in this case. These predispositions may have to do with individual values, society’s expectations; including abhorrence or acceptance of certain behaviour. There is also the question of consequence or lack of it.

In the same vein, there are other potential factors such as incompatibility, mid-life crises, communication, revenge, or even certain needs. Sometimes there is no known cause. Unfortunately, because of Toke’s demand-driven and highly visible brand, and seemingly glamorous job, the feeling on twitter and on blogs is that her husband cheated because she was not available.

Toke and Solange:Source:www.instagram.com
Toke and Solange:Source:www.instagram.com

Nigerians are very religious. One who does not pledge allegiance to a faith in Nigeria is in a minority and is often ostracised. The non-religious in Nigeria is considered weird and suffers proselytism. However, Nigeria is also a society where religious beliefs are separate from values. It is a place where moral standards and family values quite commonly apply to only women. The world is an excellent place to be a man, but an even better place is Nigeria.

Suffice to say, the feeling even among some women and many men (at least if the tweets are anything to go by), is that Toke is responsible for her husband’s infidelity because she was at events all the time. Apparently, Toke also partied constantly, and was not available to Maje. He loved and respected her so much that he channelled his “missing her” energies into impregnating another woman. He could have done something more honourable if she was not available; leave respectfully. She had that career before they married just over a year ago, so he knew about her brand.

Maje Ayida. Source:www.igrooveradio.com
Maje Ayida. Source:www.igrooveradio.com

She probably feels a sense of shame at this time, but one can see why. There are people are mocking her on social media. The cheat should be the brunt of these jokes not the wife (although there have been a few angry women on his instagram comments sections). She is also double mocked for hosting a vlog where she discusses how to find and keep a man, how to spot a “side-chick”, and the types of men to avoid. Never mind that most of her vlog posts are girl next door-chatting-to-my-girls satires. So yes, she is responsible for her lot in life, she must be mocked, and perhaps in her next life, reconsider having a career. But even doctors can become infected. Oncologists are sometimes diagnosed with cancer too.

I wonder then if all career women, including surgeons, new resident doctors who work impossible shifts, broadcasters and journalists who have to chase down stories, or politicians and activists all have unfaithful spouses? I wonder if researchers who often travel to present papers, or conduct significant bodies of research have been presented with news of the pregnant ex? Perhaps international development experts, bankers, entrepreneurs, lawyers, in essence women with demanding careers who are shattering the glass ceilings, all have trifling spouses?

How about women? Do women with husbands who have been working in these careers for the longest time possible cheat on their men? Do we can blame their husbands for their lack of availability? I was irritated by calls to her to become more available to Maje because it fosters a sense that somehow, we know it all. We are insiders in their routine, in their home. That we know their story. But I was even more put off by the gentle chiding of him by both women and men alike regarding the use of condoms. Does condom use mean it is no longer infidelity?

“Couldn’t he have used condoms? Did he have to get her pregnant,” one tweet questioned.

The video above is one of Toke on a panel discussing men and cheating. In analysing her thoughts and views, it is clear that she urges restraint in telling a woman that her husband is cheating.

“It may ruin your friendship, because the woman does not want you to know what goes on in her home. She will probably stay with the man,” she says.

She reflects briefly on an experience she had where she confronted her husband (then fiancé) on rumours of “someone else”. So what does this mean? Did she see this coming? Was it something that had occurred in the past that she had forgiven and moved on from?

The condoms statements on twitter bothered me the most. Is this an acceptable norm in society? Just as long as you do not get caught? This story should not be so important but it has become so. This is because it has triggered a conversation that we did not have before. A conversation about careers and women and fairness in the narratives that will become a legacy for our children.

I believe it could certainly mark a fundamental turn in how Nigerians perceive what is good and what is not when women are involved. Could this mark the turn of the tide where women are accorded the same level of humanity as men? I may be dreaming, but it may well form the foundation or the quick start to how we perceive women or society’s treatment of and perception of both sexes. Does a double standard exist? Absolutely. Can we see past our sentiments and recognise a fundamentally flawed psyche?

Hilary Clinton overcame the Monica Lewinsky saga.Source:www.biography.com
Hilary Clinton overcame the Monica Lewinsky saga.Source:www.biography.com

Invariably, it will be left for Toke to decide if she can move on. She must decide whether to carry on with him or to move on with her life. I have a feeling that she will heal and bounce back. She seems to be doing so already, appearing on radio this morning. Hilary Clinton seems to be doing alright; she could be President of the United States. If she wins, the man who cheated on her will be standing beside her at the inauguration. He will be former President and First Man. Hillary Clinton describes herself as “arguably the most humiliated woman in the world”. When asked about recovering from the Monica Lewinsky saga and forgiving her husband, she said “forgiveness is hard”.

12 years of one’s life is a very long time. Whatever reason Maje had or not, for being unfaithful, Toke is unequivocally, the victim here, the “injured party”. He should be ashamed and remorseful for what he did. He deserves a Tiger Woods type of shunning. The other woman deserves shunning as well, she very well knew he was married. Perhaps he didn’t quite think she was good enough to share his life properly, why else did he marry someone else and return for a dip in the pond?

Hopefully Toke will find succour with family and friends and decide what she can live with.

Carpe Diem

Nigerian President’s Inaugural Speech

The newly sworn in Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari has made his inaugural speech. He has said that three key areas for his government are power, employment and terrorism.

He called on the judiciary to act with dispatch in matters of abuse of office and corruption, and called for a reform which will purge it of its immediate past. He also talked about a clear definition of the three tiers of government and declared that the Federal Government will not close its eyes to the problems of governance particularly gross corruption in the states and local government. He has declared he will ensure that there is adequate control under his watch. He demanded for accountability at all levels.

He called on labour unions, organised private sector, press and civil society organisations, to raise productivity in order to share in increased wealth and economic growth. He called on the media to exercise their role with dignity particularly on social media.

President Buhari-official portrait
President Buhari-official portrait

He talked about four immediate priorities for the Buhari government; Boko Haram, Niger Delta situation, power shortages, and unemployment in young people. The president spoke about longer term priorities to include Education, Medical care, physical infrastructure; all of which need overhauling and updating. For Boko Haram to be adequately tackled, President Buhari announced that the Command centre will be relocated to Maidugri until Boko Haram is subdued. He spoke about rescuing the Chibok girls and all who have been kidnapped; alive if possible.

According to him, Boko haram is a typical example of a small fire causing large fires. Negligence, complacency, and collusion have all made Boko Haram strong. He said that Boko Haram was a mindless and godless group, who were as far away from Islam as possible. As the group is subdued, the government will commission a committee to study the group; its emergence and sponsors, in order to stop further emergence. He says that the military’s rules of engagement will be overhauled to avoid human rights violations, and legal system will also be overhauled to tackle human rise abuses of the armed forces. Furthermore, he was clear about working with sub-Saharan neighbours and the entire international community to deal with Boko Haram and the emerging refugee problems as well as financial crimes.

His priorities include a disciplined and well compensated security forces, and although the amnesty programme in Niger Delta which is due to end in December, his government plans to invest heavily in infrastructure. He says he is willing to listen to grievances and extends his hands of fellowship.

The president declared the Power situation a national shame; the fact that Nigeria generates only 4,000 megawatts and distributes even less. He says 20 billion dollars had been expended on power since 1999 and has only brought frustration and misery and resignation among Nigerians. The government will discover the safest and quickest way to bring power to Nigerians. Youth unemployment will be tackled through investment in agriculture, and micro-credits will be given to small and medium businesses. In addition, he wants to accelerate the revival of roads and railways.

Buhari stated that the international community has extended a hand of goodwill to Nigeria, and the country is basking in goodwill. We can achieve our mission as a great nation. To finish, he quoted Shakespeare’s Julius Cesear saying Nigeria had an opportunity, urging the nation to “cease it”.

For me, the most profound statement the President made was his phrase ” I belong to everybody. I belong to nobody”. Perhaps this is the tone which we can expect from the government, where he pledges allegiance to nobody but to the entire nation and to the oath he swore.

The Tories Won So What

I have been following the UK General Elections 2015 and a lot of people seem pretty disappointed that the conservative party, also known as the Tories, won the 2015 general elections. David Cameron will remain at 10 Downing Street. This is said to have been one of the most hotly contested general elections in recent history. There were a lot of debates around the economy, immigration, the NHS and education.

Many people voted on their convictions along those lines. I did not vote, but I know many who did. A lot of people whom I know voted Labour but then again that’s the popular party followed by the diverse London crowd. The Labour party did not get enough votes to form a majority, and many analysts have blamed this on the Scottish National Party (SNP).

Prime Minister of the UK David Cameron. Source: www.versanews.co.uk
Prime Minister of the UK David Cameron. Source: http://www.versanews.co.uk

Apparently, a lot of Labour voters deflected to Conservative party for fear that if they voted Labour and that party was in a place to form a coalition government, it would invite the SNP to join it. Why are people afraid of the SNP? The SNP has consistently said that Scotland is its priority and thus people are worried that it would be pushing an agenda to divide the union.

Consequently, the Tories will be running shop for the next 5 years. What will the public expect? Records suggest that food banks have grown since the Tories came into government 5 years ago. This is a good stop gap measure, just as aid is a stop gap measure for developing countries. But may not necessarily be a good thing in a G7 country as it could mean that the poorer are indeed getting poorer.

SALISBURY, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 11:  Salisbury foodbank volunteer sorts a donation of food at the foodbank centre  (Photo by Matt Cardy/Getty Images)
SALISBURY, UNITED KINGDOM – FEBRUARY 11: Salisbury foodbank volunteer sorts a donation of food at the foodbank centre (Photo by Matt Cardy/Getty Images)

In the last 5 years, the NHS has begun to struggle even more, failing to meet its target response time for A&E patients; there have been news stories of emergency tents being set up outside hospitals, nurses being urged to come back to work on social media as there aren’t enough hands, and some portions of the NHS heading towards privatization.

In addition, the bedroom tax is biting poor people, while mansion taxes have been clearly avoided by this government. Tax evasion of the rich has increased, and people with disabilities are having their benefits increasingly cut as part of the austerity measures. However, the Tories inherited a deficit and a country whose books were unbalanced, overspent, and struggling from the credit crunch.

credit_crunch

Since 2010, the deficit is being reduced gradually, and records show a growing economy and reduction in unemployment. Whatever the case, the public in Britain will have a chance to go to the polls again in 5 years and vote. I personally have tried to understand the protests and public outcry at the majority win of the Tories. In any case, coming from a very young democracy, to me if elections are free and fair, and the people have voted, there really is no need for protests regarding the win unless people have smelt foul play.

I think the UK is very fortunate to be in a place where its elections are free and fair and the people are given a voice. Some people think that the election system is very unfair, that the number of votes do not translate into the number of seats. Will David Cameron be interested in a reform that will match votes to seats? Will there be a referendum soon to suggest a reform?

Photo from the 7 party debate of major party leaders. From left to right; Green Party, UKIP, LibDem, Conservatives, Labour, SNP, Plaid Cymru. Source:www.bbc.co.uk
Photo from the 7 party debate of major party leaders. From left to right; Green Party, UKIP, LibDem, Conservatives, Labour, SNP, Plaid Cymru. Source:www.bbc.co.uk

The anger I have heard from people is that he has no clue about the middle class or the working people, and his policies benefit him and his cronies; the rich. Hopefully, David Cameron will do what is just and look after the poor. At least people can heave a sign of relief that UKIP did not get a chance at 10 Downing Street with its far right plans of huge increase in defence spending, harsh restrictions on immigrants and anti-European co-operation.

A business owner expresses annoyance at Tories win. Source:www.facebook.com
A business owner expresses annoyance at Tories win. Source:www.facebook.com

Ed Milliband, Nick Glegg and Nigel Farage all of Labour, Liberal Democrats and UKIP have all resigned following the failure of their parties to make significant gains per their expectations at the genral elections. Their post results announcement speeches all spoke of regret and exhaustion, and then they resigned. I think perhaps Nigeria can borrow a leaf from these attitudes.

Although we know a lot of politicians to be two faced and dishonest at best, there are boundaries and levels to dishonesty, ambition and shamelessness. Politics cannot be a matter of life and death. If one runs and fails, there is no use making a spectacle such as the one we witnessed at Jega’s results announcement from one time Minister Godswill Orubebe. I look forward to the next couple of years of Nigeria’s APC government and the UK conservative government. Hopefully the change being demanded by the people will begin to come to fruition.

Identity. Heritage. How Important?

I have wondered about identity and heritage, and how much of who one is, comes from an understanding of the history, values, and peculiarities of one’s heritage. Recent occurrences in some parts of the world have given rise to those questions again in my mind. I am a woman. I am Igbo. I am Nigerian. I am black African. I am a Christian. I am a human being. How do these segments and demographics fit into the big picture of my identity? How do these affect my attitude to life? How does it determine how I treat others? Does it?

identity

Identity and heritage are quite clearly important and cannot be dismissed as perhaps the root of many social problems facing communities and regions, indeed the world today. In Nigeria for example, there have been a number of incidents and statements emerging from individuals which were based on their identity, perceived heritage and stereotypes which exist regarding the country’s demographics.

Source:kauerthought.wordpress.com
Source:kauerthought.wordpress.com

In the USA, protests and demonstrations are ongoing regarding several incidents which have been alleged to target defenceless members of certain race and sex. In South Africa, xenophobia and its consequential attacks have been linked to identity issues and heritage of perpetrators by some experts. In the same vein, the Boko Haram incidents and the Charlie Hebdo incidents have also been linked to identity crises and confusion emanating from misinterpretation of heritage amongst other things.

je suis charlie
I have always believed that first I am a human being, then I am a woman, before I am anything else. Thereafter I am Igbo before I am Nigerian. I am Nigerian before I am African. Does this make me disrespectful of the other sex or of other ethnic groups? Absolutely not. I think that I identify with the values and experiences of the milieu in which I was raised, as well as the bigger picture of being Nigerian and African. An understanding of my identity and heritage I believe gives me a clear picture of who I am, what our traditions and belief systems reflect, and more importantly, my place in the bigger picture of life and the rest of the the world.

Source: www.museumvitoria.com.au
Source: http://www.museumvitoria.com.au

Although these social constructs of demographics in some ways, encourage discrimination or in some cases, indirectly advance the victim mentality, I firmly believe that an awareness of the various segmentations and what these mean for daily life and heritage wise, is necessary and should be part of the education of every child. I am a woman, thus I must understand the changes that happen with the female body and the potential for discrimination and suppression that comes from an unequal society.

I am black African, thus I must understand the problems of sickle cell anaemia as well as the phenomenon of beautiful thick hair which responds a certain way to combs, and looks different from the predominant images on tv. I am Igbo and thus must understand the traditions and history of the Umu Ada, the mmanwu symbolism and the land laws no matter how unfair I believe them to be. First is awareness and understanding, before an informed acceptance and perhaps strides towards changing what we do not think is fair? These are just small illustrations and by no means cover the breadth of that which is peculiar to who I am and what my identity and heritage stand for.

Executive Director of UN women;  Ms. Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka
Executive Director of UN women;
Ms. Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka

What I am very interested in, is how external factors such as migration, sexual orientation, religion, certain upbringing, tragedies, and globalisation affect one’s perceived identity or how they contribute to the identity struggles particularly in young minority groups. Invariably, I really think it is essential that children are taught that all humanity is one and the same. This must come first alongside the education necessary to equip the child for a successful and informed life based on certain peculiarities of his heritage.

The Glory That Was Hippie-Era Kathmandu Finally Died in the Nepal Earthquake

A bittersweet tribute to Nepal’s Hippie Era Kathmandu and the sad change and hardship, which have been forced upon it and its people as a result of the earthquake.

TIME

Though the 7.9-magnitude earthquake that struck last Saturday has now claimed more than 7,000 lives, modern, workaday Kathmandu — the Kathmandu of ring roads and malls — has come through.

Fabled Kathmandu, however — that mystical waypoint on the Himalayan hippie trail with its promise of enlightenment and cheap, potent hash — has been devastated.

Anyone who has been to the Nepali capital will know the red brick color of the old city. Today, those bricks are dust, and their trademark red coats the arms and faces of workers digging through rubble in the mournful search for bodies.

According to Nepal’s UNESCO chief Christian Manhart, who has just completed a thorough assessment of the city, 60% of all heritage buildings were “badly damaged” in the quake. With them, a whole way of life has finally vanished.

The Kathmandu valley lies at an ethereal altitude of 4,600 ft. (1,400 m), and…

View original post 920 more words

AIT To Return To Covering Buhari

The President elect Buhari has just issued a statement through his spokesperson basically allowing AIT and other media houses to cover his activities. In a statement, the APC said that all accredited media houses including the AIT were free to cover the President elect’s activities. The party confirmed that the incoming administration would not discriminate against any party. Please find the statement below.

”There is a Code of Ethics guiding the practice of journalism in Nigeria, and this demands every journalist to ensure a strict adherence to the highest levels of ethics and professionalism in carrying out their duties. ”There must be repercussions, within the realms of the law, for media organizations which have wantonly breached the Code of Ethics of the journalism profession and turned themselves to partisans instead of professionals. But such repercussions will not include barring any accredited media organization from covering the activities of the President-elect,”

Alhaji Lai Mohammed

National Publicity Secretary

All Progressives Congress (APC) Abuja,

April 28th 2015

Buhari’s AIT Ban: Is the Dictator Back?

The President elect of Nigeria in a move that critics say has just given Nigerians a glimpse of his old dictator self, banned the media house African Independent Television (AIT) from covering his activities. AIT reporters were escorted off the premises of Defence House where Buhari presently lives pending the transition. He was due to meet with the Cuban and Swiss Ambassadors when the incident took place. This move by the retired General and president elect Muhammad Buhari (GMB) has stunned even his most ardent supporters. His spokesperson said this was as a result of some security and family matters.

“You can quote me that I said that we have asked them to step aside and that we are resolving the the issues of ethics and standards with them.” GMB confirmed

GEJ and GMB: Outgoing president and president elect, respectively. Source:www.nairaland.com
GEJ and GMB: Outgoing president and president elect, respectively. Source:www.nairaland.com

Ethics and standards, security and family matters, these seem like censorship. Freedom of press is an incredibly essential ingredient for Nigeria’s democracy, indeed any democracy. Censorship and any kind of heavy handedness are equally bad for our democracy. For all the criticism leveraged against it, GEJ’s government was the most criticised and it took it on the chin, sometimes responding on social media platforms through the presidential spokespersons. Are we then off to a bad start with GMB?

World Press Freedom Day arrives in a week. Nigeria cannot go back to the time when its press was unable to investigate stories and criticise the polity. At last year’s world press day May 3, 2014, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon and the and UNESCO Director-General Irina Bokova, released a statement.

“Journalism provides a platform for informed discussion across a wide range of development issues – from environmental challenges and scientific progress to gender equality, youth engagement and peacebuilding. Only when journalists are at liberty to monitor, investigate and criticize policies and actions can good governance exist.”What exactly does Recalling the Universal Declaration of Human Rights”

Source:www.wire2014.eu
Source:www.wire2014.eu

In 1991, when Nigeria and many other African countries were going through some of its worst times with dictatorships and human rights abuses, the UN declaration of Windhoek was adopted and included the following regarding the press:

Recalling General Assembly resolution 59(I) of 14 December 1946 stating that freedom of information is a fundamental human right, and General Assembly resolution 45/76 A of 11 December 1990 on information in the service of humanity,

Recalling resolution 25C/104 of the General Conference of UNESCO of 1989 in which the main focus is the promotion of “the free flow of ideas by word and image at international as well as national levels”,

Declare that:

1. Consistent with article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the establishment, maintenance and fostering of an independent, pluralistic and free press is essential to the development and maintenance of democracy in a nation, and for economic development.

2. By an independent press, we mean a press independent from governmental, political or economic control or from control of materials and infrastructure essential for the production and dissemination of newspapers, magazines and periodicals.

3. By a pluralistic press, we mean the end of monopolies of any kind and the existence of the greatest possible number of newspapers, magazines and periodicals reflecting the widest possible range of opinion within the community.

4. The welcome changes that an increasing number of African States are now undergoing towards multi-party democracies provide the climate in which an independent and pluralistic press can emerge.
The world-wide trend towards democracy and freedom of information and expression is a fundamental contribution to the fulfilment of human aspirations.

5. In Africa today, despite the positive developments in some countries, in many countries journalists, editors and publishers are victims of repression-they are murdered, arrested, detained and censored, and are restricted by economic and political pressures such as restrictions on newsprint, licensing systems which restrict the opportunity to publish, visa restrictions which prevent the free movement of journalists, restrictions on the exchange of news and information, and limitations on the circulation of newspapers within countries and across national borders. In some countries, one-party States control the totality of information.

6. Today, at least 17 journalists, editors or publishers are in African prisons, and 48 African journalists were killed in the exercise of their profession between 1969 and 1990.

7. The General Assembly of the United Nations should include in the agenda of its next session an item on the declaration of censorship as a grave violation of human rights falling within the purview of the Commission on Human Rights.

8. African States should be encouraged to provide constitutional guarantees of freedom of the press and freedom of association.

9. To encourage and consolidate the positive changes taking place in Africa, and to counter the negative ones, the international community-specifically, international organizations (governmental as well as non-governmental), development agencies and professional associations-should as a matter of priority direct funding support towards the development and establishment of non-governmental newspapers, magazines and periodicals that reflect the society as a whole and the different points of view within the communities they serve.

There have been reports from AIT which many argue are one-sided and target the opposition. If this is the case, isn’t that what the courts of law are made for? Is GMB out of touch with the times? Does a president in a 21st century democracy arbitrarily send off the press or play pick and choose? Or does the president sue for defamation or you prosecute for whatever grievance it may have? How about some finesse then; write AIT a letter and have the security agencies investigate whatever this is?

This move is certainly ill-advised and the world will be watching keenly to see if this is extended to corruption and all who plundered the nation’s treasury. The world will be watching to see if the soon to be president of Africa’s largest economy and the world’s most populous black nation will have respect for the rule of law in the first democracy won by the opposition.

Ramblings of a Recently 30 Woman, Project Management Professional, International Development Enthusiast, Globetrotter, Writer and Happy Shutterbug®