How To Find A Husband

Have you noticed how people equate the success of the female to being married?It does not end at being married; you also have to have children otherwise you are not woman enough. Apparently, the first question people ask my colleagues when they meet me at work or ask my relatives when they meet me back home at holidays when I go to be with my family is:

“Is she married?”

Since the answer is no, they then make sympathetic sounds and tag me.

So, no matter how hard I work, no matter how kind I try to be, to them, am really nothing and cannot be fully happy until I am Mrs. Somebody. Mind you, I have received this feedback only from people who have been “honest” enough to provide it.

Photo source: www.clipartof.com
Photo source: http://www.clipartof.com

“Everything good will come.”

That’s how my mum ends her conversations these days. Roughly translated, a good man will come. Don’t get me wrong, I want a good man to come. Indeed am a sucker for love; if it is not mad, passionate, selfless love, am usually not interested as I really suck at playing games and conforming to society’s dictation of how these things should work along gender lines. I believe it’s alright to stay open and keep searching for it. Sometimes, you may think that you have found it and it blows apart in your face, but we keep searching and trying. I have heard some amazing love stories. Who thrives on mediocrity?

However, I have also seen the other side. I have seen it many times, I have almost fallen victim to it; you decide that you are tired of being alone or hearing about it, you develop a checklist, find someone who checks some of the boxes, and then take the plunge. Disaster for the most part; hence the prayers which my mum insists my sister and I say every night.

Am still not sure who nominated my aunt to call, but here are a few tips she shared. I have never been one to hoard useful information, so see if you will find it useful. Since she thought to share it, I thought I would share it in turn.

1. Do not go out at night, a decent girl stays home.

2. Do not be too strong and independent, men like to be needed.

3. You must not have an opinion about politics and the economy. Be submissive.

4. Always wear long wavy weaves. Men do not like natural hair; dreadlocks are particularly detested.

5. Learn to cook very well. Men want a good homemaker.

Dreadlocks
Photo source: http://www.suburbanscooters.com

I asked her if rolling my dreadlocks and putting them down counted as long wavy hair? Then I asked her if making noodles was considered good homemaking ability.

She told me off and hung up.

32 thoughts on “How To Find A Husband”

  1. This post made me smile, but I see the serious side behind it, too. I think some of that pressure to be married has eased off a bit in the U.S., but I think it’s still there. As for your aunt’s checklist, I failed miserably at #2 and #3. But after nearly 25 years of marriage, my husband still seems to like me and wants to spend time with me, so I guess that’s reassuring. 😉

    Marriage will come. Enjoy your time as a strong, independent woman. You’re making things happen!

    1. Thanks Carrie, 25 years is fanastic and very reassuring. To be honest, I suck at my aunt’s entire list! Maybe besides 5 as I cook pretty well. Am quite enjoying my life now, more time in the future to find the
      right deal. Everythng good will come 🙂

  2. Oh my god do I hate this marriage crap! We were told by my partners family that our relationship wasn’t real because we weren’t married – because that piece of paper made all the difference in the several divorces the parents and siblings had in that family! It should be about the love you have for one another, that should be the thing that matters, not the piece of paper. Just because you aren’t married should not say anything about who you are! This riles me right up! My partner and I just got married, on the weekend – but it wasn’t a real wedding, nothing legal happened. Instead, we invited all the important people to us out to a special place, I wore a “wedding” dress, he suited up, we had some of the traditional things, like thank you gifts, but no celebrant. Instead, we drove the ceremony. We stood up, together and made a speech, together, about what love means and what marriage means and what significant means. To us, it’s not the piece of paper, its being with the people we love, being with each other and that’s why we wanted those special people with us that day, to celebrate our love for each other, and our love for them. We said some vows (phrased as “I will…” instead of “i vow to, or I promise”) and rings, and then celebrated with our loved ones. That to me is what love is.

    1. Too many people definitely attach great importance to some of these traditions, and sometimes they clearly do not mean any of it in their hearts. So many people just get married because of family or societal pressures and it blows up in their faces! As we say here; to each his own. Congratulations on having your celebration of love, I read how much work you both put into it to make it beautiful and personal for both of you and your loved ones. Am inspired by your love story; because I see two honest people who genuinely care about each other, wanted it to work without games or power struggles, and actually worked for it. I look forward to reading more about your journey of love. Indeed that’s what to me, love is too. Thanks for stopping by.

  3. As a guy I can safety say about the only one that I feel is partially relevant is #5, and I say partially because people want to eat nice food, and yeah we want a nice home, women want a nice home too so that is an equal thing… Also nothing wrong with the guys cooking too, I love cooking stuff up. But #5 coupled in with the rest of the list also comes across in a submissive way and that I personally don’t agree with… unless you have a code word… ahem.. Moving on.

    One comment though on strong, independent women. No I do not want the woman I am with to be a spineless jellyfish but equally sometimes the image of strong & independent comes across as hard and unapproachable. That of course is the far end of the scale but that far end doesn’t appeal to me.

    Most of us have ideas of the ideal partner, a checklist almost and those options change over the years, I think I can safely say though that my list was never like that list lol.

    1. Hehehehe am sure my aunt didn’t have any code word in mind when she was talking…ahem… moving on. It’s great to get a guy’s perspective. It’s a good thing am able to cook soul food then, and not just the odd toast 🙂 No extreme is appealing, there’s such a thing as being too strong, or too nice, or too giving. I think it would be interesting to read a male version of this though; what they think women are looking for? If such a list exists?

      1. I don’t think I’ll be brave enough to do a list lol, might come and bite me in the arse. Seriously though I think it is down to individual preference, I am sure there are guys out there who would have a list exactly like the one your aunt gave. I was reading through your comments and I am glad you suck at your aunts list :D.

        It got me thinking though about, not really on a list like your aunts, but more a list of what I would look for should I be single and have the self-confidence to follow through on that list.

  4. Just be your wonderful self! Sometimes the men like to do the housework and cooking. Sometimes they might like a strong woman, ya know? Be who you are. Your aunt, well, love her. 😉

  5. Don’t even get me started on this topic. I liked it better when I was out of reach and got a monthly phone call and a quip about finding a husband. But now that I’m closer I feel like its become my breakfast, lunch and dinner lecture series. Apparently God’s time being the best time is not a suitable response to the marriage question but happens to appropriate answer to everything else.

    It’s 2013 and still we hold on to that archaic belief that a woman’s success is tied to marriage and kids. Arghhhhhhh…………..

    1. Tell me about it! Christmas was the worst! I don’t know if it will change anytime soon though, 2013 and all. Mostly because I think women are enablers and we are the ones who deliver the marriage and children lecture series more than the men.

  6. “Is she married yet?” Grrrr. I hate that question. The second being “You should find yourself a rich husband.”. I always wonder, wouldn’t it be easier to just get rich myself than to find a rich husband?
    I know what you mean about equating a woman’s success to being married. It’s sad but, I guess all we can do is be ourselves. Success and marriage will come eventually, they probably won’t have a thing to do with each other though 🙂

    1. You don’t know how much I agree with your last sentence! Am arming myself with it for the next “when are you getting married” session 🙂 For those ones who suggest we find a rich husband, I always want to say “how rich is the one you married”, but I just never have the guts hahahaha.

  7. Nice post… But really, I have learnt that Marriage is not a ticket to a lifetime of happiness. Some married ladies, wish they were single and never got married in the first place! I kinda like the “freedom” that comes with being single. 🙂 Am sure your prince charming is some where… And he’ll come at the right time. Just like your mum says “Everything good will come” Continue to enjoy your life and being the good person that you are… 🙂

  8. 🙂 Quite an interesting post! First of all, i would like to thank your aunt for the advice and for sharing this info ‘ they way it used to be’. I have said ‘used to be’ because i think, the thing about finding a husband might have little or nothing to do with these rules but could apply on individual basis. There are no doubt that some men who are very traditional might have the above list as their criteria for searching however, i believe that love could make a man forget his list.
    In my view, i would encourage every lady to learn to love themselves while waiting….live, laugh, try new things, travel, get busy, make money….while you are less concentrated on the husband matter, love will definitely find you. I totally agree with your mum that “everything good indeed will come” and it will come VERY soon. God knows about it and that is what matters 🙂

  9. I like to think that love could conquer any ‘list’ as you said. But we all have those basic qualities that we are looking for that give you a sense of wanting to see that person again, or to spend more time with them. By the way, I love your list of stuff to do while ‘waiting’ 🙂

  10. Anne, Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate.
    And this post… .. is hilarious what your aunt told you. Please be yourself. And marry not because of the pressure from society and community but because, you are in love and have found a lifetime partner.

    1. Thanks Mary, your blog is lovely, so I’ll keep going back. As to the marriage business and my aunt 🙂 am quite enjoying the fuss going on around me now. Thanks for stopping by

  11. Dear Anne, I may have thought I read this post before writing the latest one on my blog. http://tiny.cc/fi1aww
    I am 32yrs old and I certainly know all the prescribtions I have been given. But believe me, these moments in our life will never come back again, so keep flying with your EOS 600 as I do with mine.

    1. Yup, that post was lovely, I just read it. It’s certainly not something that started today, the stereotyping. As Carrie noted above, some of that pressure has eased off in some societies. Let’s see how long it will take to ease off in my aunt’s society 🙂 I would be really interested in hearing the prescriptions that you have been offered, and some of the magic you have worked with your 600D. We are both Canon girls so am sure we’ll get along really well 🙂

      1. Yes! We will share much more and am sure we get along. 🙂 I am hoping for a future where people’s priorities change a little away from marriage as marriage sincerely does not answer all any more. Rather I think that if we shift the energy we invest in thinking out marriage and struggling to make it work into poverty alleviation, there will be a dramatic change globally. I am working on another post for my next month’s column which is titled ‘the marriage market’. We will keep sharing ideas. Maybe we follow each other on twitter too.

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